Your cat consistently turns down advances from the neighbourhood toms, spends all her time with her mysterious friend Alex, and seems far more interested in certain female cats than in any male? It might be time to accept the obvious: your cat is lesbian. Before you arrange another disastrous date with the cat next door, let’s look at the clues that might confirm your suspicions. At first, you weren’t worried. Your cat just seemed picky. Then you decided to introduce her to Whiskers, a feline bachelor you thought was perfectly decent. The experiment wasn’t exactly a success. The moment he arrived, poor Whiskers got a icy stare before your cat vanished out the window. Since then, she spends her days at the cat’s house across the road. You have no idea what they get up to together. But they recently bought a plant jointly. And everyone knows a joint houseplant represents an extremely high level of emotional commitment.

5 signs your cat is lesbian

Every cat has her preferences. But certain clues keep coming up.

1. Her style is evolving in a very specific direction

Your cat has gradually abandoned any traditional grooming habits. Her haircut now appears to follow the exact same trajectory as a certain teenage pop star’s since the early 2010s: Justin Bieber. When you show her photos of particularly good-looking male cats, she just shrugs.

2. Her friend Alex is “just a friend”

Alex is everywhere. Holidays together. Spontaneous weekends away. Regular dinners. Shared naps. And whenever anyone asks a question, your cat immediately insists: “We’re just friends.” Nobody really believes her.

3. Her interests seem oddly specific

Your cat occasionally shows particular enthusiasm for certain individuals. An enthusiasm that far exceeds anything she reserves for the local toms. You’ve even started noticing something unsettling: You seem to be checking out exactly the same people in the street.

4. She has a suspiciously close relationship with your girlfriend

Your cat is normally affectionate with everyone. But when it comes to your partner, her level of enthusiasm becomes frankly suspicious. She always finds an excuse to settle down nearby. And certain kneading sessions seem particularly motivated.

5. Dates with males consistently go wrong

Every attempted romantic set-up follows the same pattern:

• a tom arrives,
• your cat gets bored,
• she looks for an escape route,
• then vanishes mysteriously.

At this stage, the problem probably isn’t the choice of candidates any more.

How should you react if your cat is lesbian?

The good news is there’s absolutely nothing to fix. But you can still adjust your own behaviour.

Stop trying to set her up with toms

Whiskers. Marmalade. Tiger. Felix. The problem isn’t that they’re not good enough. The problem is they simply don’t match her taste. Spare them the humiliation.

Let her spend time with whoever she wants

If she wants to spend her weekends with Alex in Venice or anywhere else, there’s no need to make a drama of it. Cats are complicated enough without adding your own romantic projects into the mix.

Grieve certain plans

You may have pictured:

• kittens everywhere,
• family photos,
• quiet Sunday afternoons in front of the telly.

But sometimes you have to accept our pets have other plans for their future.

Take her claw maintenance seriously

Certain habits require meticulous preparation. We won’t go into detail. You’ve probably already worked it out.

Conclusion: you’re now in competition

The final realisation often comes unexpectedly. In front of the telly, for instance. A celebrity appears on screen. Let’s say Angelina Jolie. You both end up staring at the image with exactly the same admiring expression. A long silence follows. Then the truth hits you. You have the same taste. And, more importantly, you realise your cat isn’t just lesbian. She’s also your direct rival. The most worrying part? In this competition, she holds several decisive advantages: she’s cuter, more mysterious, and sleeps eighteen hours a day without ever looking tired. Safe to say, your chances are extremely limited. And if you enjoy absurd portraits of cats with love lives more complicated than our own, Is My Cat a Leftie? and its sequels should be right up your street.