Your cat consistently turns down the advances of every tomcat in the neighborhood, spends all her time with her mysterious friend Alex, and seems way more interested in certain female cats than in any male? It might be time to accept the obvious: your cat is a lesbian. Before you set up another disastrous date with the neighbor’s cat, let’s look at the clues that might confirm your suspicions. At first, you weren’t worried. Your cat just seemed picky. Then you decided to introduce her to Whiskers, a feline bachelor you thought was perfectly decent. The experiment wasn’t a success. Poor Whiskers barely got through the door before your cat shot him an icy stare and vanished out the window. Ever since, she spends her days at the cat’s place across the street. You have no idea what they get up to together. But they recently bought a houseplant as a couple. And everyone knows a shared houseplant represents an extremely high level of emotional commitment.

5 Signs Your Cat Is a Lesbian

Every cat has their preferences. But certain patterns keep coming up.

1. Her Style Has Evolved in a Very Specific Direction

Your cat has gradually abandoned all traditional grooming habits. Her haircut now seems to be following the exact same arc as a certain boy-band heartthrob’s since the early 2010s. When you show her photos of especially handsome tomcats, she just shrugs.

2. Her Friend Alex Is “Just a Friend”

Alex is everywhere. Vacations together. Spontaneous weekends. Regular dinners. Shared naps. And whenever anyone brings it up, your cat immediately insists: “We’re just friends.” Nobody really believes her.

3. Her Interests Seem Very Specifically Targeted

Your cat occasionally shows a particular kind of enthusiasm for certain individuals. An enthusiasm that far exceeds anything she shows the neighborhood toms. You’ve even started noticing something odd: You two seem to be checking out the exact same people on the street.

4. She Has a Suspiciously Close Relationship With Your Girlfriend

Your cat is normally affectionate with everyone. But when it comes to your partner, her enthusiasm level becomes frankly suspect. She always finds an excuse to plop down nearby. And some of her kneading sessions seem particularly motivated.

5. Dates With Males Always Go Wrong

Every attempted romantic setup follows the same pattern:

• a male arrives,
• your cat gets bored,
• she looks for an exit,
• then mysteriously vanishes.

At this point, the problem probably isn’t the selection of candidates.

How Should You React If Your Cat Is a Lesbian?

The good news is there’s absolutely nothing to fix. But you can still adjust your own behavior.

Stop Setting Her Up With Toms

Whiskers. Biscuit. Tiger. Felix. The problem isn’t that they’re not good enough. The problem is they simply don’t match her taste. Spare them the humiliation.

Let Her Hang Out With Whoever She Wants

If she wants to spend her weekends with Alex in Venice or wherever, no need to make it a whole thing. Cats are complicated enough without you adding your own romantic projections to the mix.

Grieve a Few Plans

You might have pictured:

• kittens everywhere,
• family photos,
• quiet Sundays in front of the TV.

But sometimes you have to accept that our pets have their own plans for the future.

Take Her Nail Care Seriously

Certain habits require meticulous preparation. We won’t go into detail. You’ve probably already figured it out.

Conclusion: You’re Officially in Competition

The final realization often comes out of nowhere. Say, in front of the TV. A celebrity appears on screen. Let’s imagine a stunning, iconic actress. You both find yourselves staring at the image with the exact same admiring expression. A long silence follows. Then it hits you. You have the same taste. And more importantly, you realize your cat isn’t just a lesbian. She’s also your direct rival. Here’s the worst part. In this competition, she has several major advantages: she’s cuter, more mysterious, and sleeps eighteen hours a day without ever looking tired. Safe to say, your odds are extremely limited. And if you love absurd portraits of cats with more complicated love lives than the rest of us, Is My Cat a Leftist? and the rest of the series should be right up your alley.