Your dog looks down on anywhere outside city limits, refuses "store-brand" kibble, and seems convinced that living more than 20 minutes from an artisanal coffee shop is a human tragedy? Bad news: your dog might be a genuine insufferable Brooklyn hipster.
How do you spot this very particular syndrome in a dog raised inside the Brooklyn bubble? And, more importantly, is there still hope for rehabilitation? An analysis of an increasingly common affliction.
6 Signs Your Dog Is a Truly Unbearable Hipster
Every dog is a little snobby. But some reach a genuinely concerning level of expertise.1. He sleeps under a framed photo of a city council member who championed bike lanes
You thought it was ironic. It’s not. Every night, your dog drifts off peacefully beneath a framed photo of some local bike-lane crusader, wearing the satisfied look of someone convinced that protected bike lanes will save humanity. He even applauds quietly whenever a car lane disappears.2. He gives his puppies impossibly precious names
No Rex, Buddy, or Biscuit in his house. His pups are named Wilder, Huckleberry, and Marigold, occasionally with a hyphenated name nobody can pronounce correctly. He also insists on mentioning that they attend an "alternative bilingual Montessori daycare."3. He buys his kibble at an all-organic co-op in Williamsburg
Supermarket kibble is simply out of the question. Your dog prefers a tiny, hard-to-find shop where the bags cost about as much as a kidney on the black market, and the kibble is gluten-free, hyper-local, ethically sourced, and emotionally balanced. He silently judges you every time you buy a name-brand bag.4. He only eats on a patio
Wet food indoors? Not for him. Your dog demands a heated sidewalk patio, a little jazz playing in the background, and a glass of natural wine next to his bowl. He’s also developed a strange passion for watching passersby with an expression of deep disappointment.5. He has a Citi Bike membership… that he hates
Your dog fiercely defends urban biking. At the same time, he considers Citi Bike to have been "a disaster for years" and always finds a reason to complain about it. He loves the concept. He just can’t stand the execution.6. He thinks anyone outside the five boroughs lives in another century
According to him, beyond the city limits, people:- don’t have Wi-Fi,
- eat nothing but gas station food,
- drive 45 minutes just to buy bread,
- and consider an Applebee’s a cultural outing.
How to Rehabilitate a Hipster Dog
Don’t worry: a few experimental methods still exist.Start an intensive music therapy program
Blast "Sweet Caroline" at full volume. At first, your dog will protest with visible contempt. Then, one weak evening, you might catch him wagging his tail during the chorus. That’s the first sign of hope.Introduce him to a big-box store off the highway
Head to a strip mall out past the suburbs. The goal: help him understand that you can buy cheese, socks, and a grill in the same place — without an existential crisis. The experience is rough, but it usually works.Ban certain words
A language detox can help. For one month, your dog is no longer allowed to say:- rooftop,
- concept store,
- coworking,
- curated vintage,
- or immersive experience.