Your dog is snubbing their chicken dinner, sniffing your broccoli with curiosity, and now looks at the local possums as comrades rather than prey? You thought you’d adopted a small domestic predator; you now live with an activist who seems moments away from organising a march for the liberation of sardines. It might be time to accept the obvious: your dog is vegan.

The 5 Signs Your Dog Is Vegan

1. They Refuse Their Plush Toy Out of Respect for the Animal

They used to gut it enthusiastically. Now they look at it sadly, as a symbol of the systemic violence inflicted on small mammals. You tried throwing it for them to play with. They sighed.

2. They Read Their Dinner Labels Like a Health Inspector

Chicken? No. Beef? Even worse. Animal by-products? Fascism. Your dog now spends more time analysing the ingredients on their tins than actually eating them, with the disgusted look of a food influencer discovering a mass-produced sausage.

3. They Try to Convert the Other Dogs in the Street

Yours no longer just avoids eating meat. They also guilt-trip the neighbour’s dog, show them documentaries about abattoirs, and explain between barks that chasing a sparrow means actively participating in a chain of oppression. The other dog understands none of it, but is starting to get scared.

4. They’re Way Too Interested in Turmeric

Your dog no longer talks about digestion, shedding or bowel movements. They talk about inflammation, gut microbiome, and the antioxidant properties of mild spices. Last time, you caught them sniffing oat milk with the seriousness of a naturopath on MDMA.

5. They Look at Pigeons With Tenderness

They used to spend their days staring at them like a serial killer behind a bay window. Now they practically coo along with them. You even caught them sharing a moment of silence with a one-eyed pigeon on the windowsill. It’s over. You’ve lost the dog.

How to Deal With a Vegan Dog

Remind Them of Their True Nature

Pour a bit of sardine juice over their kibble. Not to manipulate them. Just to wake up, somewhere under all the talk of animal ethics, the little furry psychopath still sleeping inside them.

Let Them Talk, But Eat Your Steak in Peace

When they explain the conditions of cattle farming to you, nod your head gravely. Even pretend to think it over. Then quietly close the kitchen door and finish your steak far from their accusing stare.

Confront Them With Reality

Invite them to spend a day with a real dog: a big, one-eyed, violent street mongrel who’s already eaten a sparrow alive without ever once wondering about the carbon footprint of the operation. Either they come to their senses. Or they start a petition.

Conclusion

Today, they refuse chicken, defend pigeons, and probably want an eco-friendly basket made from recycled fibres. Tomorrow, they’ll demand silken tofu, a hemp blanket, and a ban on wool cushions “on principle”. The hardest part, in the end, isn’t living with a vegan dog. It’s watching them willingly give up everything that made them such a beautiful little monster. What To Do If My Dog Is Left-Wing? and the rest of the series will introduce you to other equally impossible dogs, somewhere between activists, snobs, regionalists, conspiracy theorists or simply insufferable with a tote bag.