You’re after a gift for someone who loves dogs. Not “quite likes”, mind you: we’re talking about someone who calls their pet “my son”, wishes them happy birthday on Instagram, and already has more photos of a ball of fur than of their own family. Basically, someone potentially beyond saving.

Buying a gift for this kind of person is tricky. Get it wrong and you risk landing in the hell of the “Dog Mom” mug or the socks embroidered with little paw prints, which is basically the laziest corner of decorative capitalism. You need to aim carefully: something funny, a bit absurd, and that genuinely speaks to the mild mental illness that is loving dogs too much.

So here are 5 gift ideas for dog fans that genuinely deserve consideration.

1. A Funny Book About Dogs That Doesn’t Treat People Like Idiots

Let’s start with the obvious: if the person you’re buying for lives with a dog and has already started attributing political opinions, neuroses or a sexual orientation to it, it’s time to stop fighting the problem and lean into it instead.

That’s exactly why What to Do If My Dog Is Gay? exists: a survival guide for anyone who suspects their dog is woke, racist, an inner-city snob, a swinger or a K-pop fan. The idea is simple: take the absurd instinct every dog owner has (projecting absolutely anything onto their pet) and push it to catastrophic extremes.

It’s a great gift for:

• the person who calls their dog “Bubby” with zero irony;
• the friend who’s already told you “I swear, he manipulates me” while talking about their German shepherd;
• or anyone who considers living with a dog the same as cohabiting with an unstable, furry roommate.

And best of all, it’s a change from the cute book about “the secret world of our canine companions”, which always ends up explaining that Rex likes his basket because it makes him feel safe. Thanks for that, Captain Obvious.

2. A Personalized Portrait of Their Dog

Turning an overweight, passive-aggressive dog into Napoleon, the Pope, or a British admiral remains a safe bet. It’s pretentious, completely disproportionate, and usually pretty ugly.

But ask yourself one question: what will your friend do once the painting’s hung up?

Look at it.

Every day.

For twenty years.

Whereas a book like What to Do If My Dog Is Gay? gives them a genuine, accurate and detailed portrait of an animal who’s probably an anarchist, an inner-city snob, or addicted to self-help podcasts. Honestly, between a poster gathering dust and a guide accusing a dog of being a communist, the choice is easy.

3. A Personality Analysis of Their Dog

Some companies offer to decode your dog’s personality.

They ask for their age, breed, habits, sometimes even their star sign, before informing you they’re “curious but independent”, “territorial”, or “emotionally complex”.

In other words, you pay sixty bucks for a stranger to tell you your dog… is a dog.

At that rate, you might as well just get them What to Do If My Dog Is Gay?

At least it doesn’t pretend to be scientific: it will very seriously explain that your dog is probably Texan, vegan, or a K-pop fan. And, paradoxically, it’ll sometimes seem more believable.

4. A Dog-Themed Mug

A mug can work.

As long as it’s suitably ridiculous.

Not a “Dog Mom”.

Not a “Home is where my dog is”.

That’s straight out of the gift aisle at a garden center on a Sunday afternoon.

You need something that fully owns the madness.

For example:

I work to pay for the kibble of an animal who loves me a little too much.

Or you skip the crockery aisle entirely and get them What to Do If My Dog Is Gay?, which packs exactly the same level of despair into 180 pages.

5. A Dog-Themed Board Game

This can be a good idea, on one condition: it has to be under twenty minutes.

Because after twenty minutes, everyone naturally prefers talking about their own dog.

And that’s exactly where your gift comes in handy.

After a couple of rounds, someone’s guaranteed to say:

“Mine does exactly that.”

You can then whip out What to Do If My Dog Is Gay? as if it were an actual veterinary manual.

“Oh no, that’s clearly a Berliner dog.”

The evening is saved.

Conclusion

Deep down, it doesn’t really matter what you choose. A portrait, a mug, a board game or an embroidered cushion will all end up in the same place: next to the dog, who will completely ignore them.

But if you get them What to Do If My Dog Is Gay?, chances are your friend will immediately start comparing their dog to the 100 profiles in the book. For a few hours, they might even forget to show you the 437 photos of their pet they took this week.

It’s probably the greatest gift you could give everyone around them.