Your cat now calls you “comrade,” believes your kibble should belong to everyone, and thinks owning two cushions already counts as an excessive concentration of wealth? It might be time to face the truth: your cat is a communist.

Before they collectivise your couch or turn your flat into a feline people’s republic, here are the signs that should catch your attention.

At first, it seemed harmless enough.

Your cat generously shared their toys with the other animals in the neighbourhood. A lovely display of altruism, you thought.

Then they started questioning private property.

First your armchair.

Then your bed.

These days, they talk about requisitioning the kibble reserves in the name of the common good.

The problem is, the common good always seems to line up perfectly with their own personal interest.

5 Signs Your Cat Is a Communist

All cats love benefiting from other people’s work. But some turn it into a whole political doctrine.

1. They Dream of Growing a Revolutionary Moustache

For the past few weeks, your cat has been trying to grow a historic moustache.

Unfortunately, the result looks more like a badly wiped pate stain than an iconic revolutionary figure.

That doesn’t stop them proudly posing for their official portraits.

2. They’ve Abolished the Concept of Ownership

Your bed?

Our bed.

Your couch?

Our couch.

Your kibble?

The people’s kibble.

That said, the moment another cat approaches their favourite spot near the heater, collectivisation grinds to an abrupt halt.

3. They Redistribute Wealth… to Themselves

Your cat claims to be fighting inequality.

Yet whenever they gather up resources, they invariably end up in their own stomach.

The people benefiting from their redistribution always seem to be one single individual.

And that individual looks remarkably like them.

4. They’ve Started a Feline Union

Your lounge room has become headquarters for the National Union of Underfed Cats.

The demands are simple:

• double rations of pate;
• more treats;
• heated cushions for all;
• and an end to vet appointments.

Negotiations are tense.

5. You’re Now Officially “Bourgeois”

Since your salary went up slightly, your cat now eyes you with suspicion.

They use phrases like:

“the domestic elite”

or

“owner of the means of kibble production.”

All you did was buy a new blanket.

How Do You React to a Communist Cat?

The situation is serious, but not hopeless.

Introduce Them to Entrepreneurship

Suggest they start a business.

A few weeks managing customers, stock and invoices might just introduce them to concepts they used to criticise with total confidence.

Or they’ll immediately start exploiting the other cats.

Hard to predict.

Bureaucratise Their Litter Tray

Declare their litter tray collective property.

From now on, every use requires:

• a request form;
• administrative approval;
• and a processing delay of several days.

They’ll quickly discover the joys of centralised planning.

Give Them a Revolutionary Immersion

Your cat loves slogans, posters and grand speeches.

Confront them with something a bit more concrete: tuna shortages, waiting lines for kibble and rationed treats.

Their enthusiasm might dampen slightly.

Start Your Own Social Movement

Temporarily stop feeding time.

Distribute flyers around the house explaining that the human workers are protesting their working conditions.

For the first time, your cat might understand what it feels like to be a boss facing a strike.

Conclusion: Revolutionary or Just Chronically Online?

For a moment, you had your doubts.

After all, your cat spends their time criticising billionaires, older generations and anyone who doesn’t share their opinion.

Maybe they weren’t a communist after all.

Maybe they were just very active online.

Then you caught them haranguing the neighbourhood pigeons, perched on a knocked-over bin, with a revolutionary energy that was hard to ignore.

At that moment, the diagnosis became obvious.

Your cat doesn’t just want more kibble.

They want to change the world.

Luckily for you, they sleep seventeen hours a day.

The revolution can wait a little longer.

And if you love absurd portraits of politically committed cats, completely contradictory and dangerously convinced they’re right, What to Do If My Cat Is a Democrat? and its sequels should be right up your alley.