Your dog now calls you “comrade”, thinks your kibble should belong to everyone, and believes owning two cushions already counts as an excessive concentration of wealth? It might be time to face the truth: your dog is a communist.

Before they collectivise your couch, or turn your flat into a canine people’s republic, here are the signs that should tip you off.

5 Signs Your Dog Is a Communist

All dogs like benefiting from other people’s labour. But some turn it into a political doctrine.

1. They Dream of a Revolutionary Moustache

For a few weeks now, your dog has been trying to grow a historic moustache.

Unfortunately, the result looks more like a badly wiped dog food stain than an iconic revolutionary figure.

That doesn’t stop them from posing proudly for their official portraits.

2. They’ve Abolished the Concept of Ownership

Your bed?

Our bed.

Your couch?

Our couch.

Your kibble?

The people’s kibble.

But the moment another dog comes near their favourite spot by the heater, the collectivisation stops dead.

3. They Redistribute Wealth… To Themselves

Your dog claims to be fighting inequality.

And yet, whenever they seize resources, they invariably end up in their own stomach.

The people benefiting from these redistributions always seem to consist of exactly one individual.

And that individual looks remarkably like them.

4. They’ve Set Up a Canine Union

Your lounge room has become the headquarters of the National Union of Underfed Dogs.

The demands are simple:

• double dinner rations;
• more treats;
• heated cushions across the board;
• and no more vet appointments.

Negotiations are tense.

5. You’re Now Officially a Bourgeois

Ever since your salary went up slightly, your dog eyes you with suspicion.

They use phrases like:

“domestic elite”

or

“owner of the means of kibble production”.

And all you did was buy a new blanket.

How to Deal With a Communist Dog

The situation is serious, but not hopeless.

Introduce Them to Entrepreneurship

Suggest they start a business.

A few weeks managing clients, stock and invoices might introduce them to concepts they’d previously criticised with total confidence.

Or they’ll immediately start exploiting the other dogs.

Hard to predict which way it goes.

Bureaucratise Their Patch of Yard

Declare their patch of yard collective property.

From now on, every use will require:

• an application form;
• administrative approval;
• and a processing time of several days.

They’ll quickly discover the joys of central planning.

Give Them a Revolutionary Immersion

Your dog loves slogans, posters and big speeches.

Confront them with something a bit more concrete: tuna shortages, kibble queues and treat rationing.

Their enthusiasm might drop off slightly.

Start Your Own Industrial Action

Temporarily halt the distribution of food.

Leave flyers around the house explaining that human workers are denouncing their living conditions.

For the first time, your dog might understand what it feels like for a boss facing a strike.

Conclusion: Revolutionary, or Just Chronically Online?

For a moment, you had your doubts.

After all, your dog spends their time criticising billionaires, older generations and anyone who disagrees with them.

Maybe they weren’t a communist after all.

Maybe they were just extremely online.

Then you caught them ranting at the local pigeons, perched on top of a tipped-over bin, with a revolutionary energy that was hard to ignore.

At that moment, the diagnosis became obvious.

Your dog doesn’t just want more kibble.

They want to change the world.

Luckily for you, they sleep seventeen hours a day.

So the revolution can wait a little longer.

And if you love absurd portraits of politically engaged dogs, completely contradictory and dangerously convinced they’re right, What to Do If My Dog Is Gay and the rest of the series should be right up your alley.