Your cat talks about "merit" despite sleeping 18 hours a day, champions success without ever having worked, and has suddenly developed a fascination with jumpers tied over the shoulders? You might have to consider an uncomfortable possibility: your cat is a Tory. Don't worry, it's not necessarily irreversible. You just need to spot the symptoms before they start explaining negative gearing to you over dinner. Deep down, cats have always had a bit of a conservative streak. Sleeping all day while a human works to fund their meals, demanding ever more comfort and treating sharing as a weakness when it comes to splitting a blanket: it's hard to deny certain predispositions. But sometimes the phenomenon takes a more pronounced turn. When your cat starts wearing deck shoes, judging people who catch the cheap coach, and talking about "the value of hard work" despite never having paid a cent of tax in their life, it's time to worry.

5 Signs Your Cat Is Clearly a Tory

All cats are a bit bourgeois. But some take it to another level.

1. They Start Sentences with "I've Got Nothing Against… But…"

Your cat is keen to point out how open minded they are. Then they immediately follow up with a sentence that completely cancels out the intro. And of course, they always finish with: "Anyway, you can't say anything these days." Strangely, they keep talking a lot regardless.

2. They Think They're Green Because They Drive a Tesla

Your cat loves the environment. Well… mostly when it lets them keep a bit of status. They explain at length how they offset their carbon footprint, all while planning a spontaneous weekend at a Moroccan riad "to disconnect." Environmentalism, sure, but make it premium.

3. They Won't Stop Talking About Meritocracy

Your cat loves speeches about hard work, effort and success. Which is surprising, given that they:

• never cook,
• never pay rent,
• never help with a single chore,
• and already consider it heroic that they switched couch cushions once.

Despite this, they insist: "This country doesn't like people who succeed."

4. Their Wardrobe Is Getting Concerning

The change is usually gradual. First a sleeveless puffer vest. Then a jumper tied over the shoulders. And finally, deck shoes. By this point, your cat is probably using the word "elegance" far too seriously.

5. They Recommend Books "to Open Your Eyes"

Your cat now has very strong intellectual opinions. They gift you political books nobody asked for, share podcasts about "success," and seem convinced any economic problem can be solved with a TED Talk on entrepreneurship. Their favourite activity? Arguing with strangers over dinner.

How Do You Deal with a Tory Cat?

Good news: there are still a few rehabilitation methods.

Temporarily Cut Their Privileges

Strong convictions sometimes become a lot more nuanced once the perks disappear. Try cutting back the premium treats slightly, or swap the organic salmon for something a bit more… accessible. You might witness a spectacular shift in their economic thinking.

Apply Their Own Free Market Principles

Open the window. Invite every cat in the neighbourhood to eat from their bowl, sleep in their basket and hog their litter tray. When they complain, calmly remind them this is the free market.

Limit the Anxiety-Inducing News Channels

After enough non-stop political commentary, your cat starts believing everything will collapse by Tuesday. Turn off the screens. Replace them with birds to watch, a sunbeam and the peaceful silence of feline ignorance.

Block the Overly Hypocritical Getaways

Your cat can hardly lecture you about the environment while flying off every second weekend "for the authenticity." The local caravan park remains an excellent learning experience.

Conclusion: Should You Be Worried?

Not necessarily. A Tory cat is still, above all, a cat: lazy, demanding and deeply attached to their comfort. But without quick intervention, the symptoms could get worse. Today they're listening to wealth-building podcasts. Tomorrow they'll spend their days on LinkedIn with a bio that reads: "Founder. Thinker. Feline." Right before raising funds for CatGPT, a revolutionary startup designed to replace humans with more obedient assistants. And if you love absurd diagnoses of the secret lives of cats, whether it's politics, love, identity, work or modern day neuroses, the world of What To Do If My Cat Is a Tory? and its sequels should be right up your alley.