Your dog bangs on about merit while sleeping 18 hours a day, champions success despite never having worked a day in their life, and has suddenly become obsessed with jumpers tied around the shoulders? It might be time to consider a delicate hypothesis: your dog is right-wing. Don’t worry, it’s not necessarily irreversible. But you do need to recognise the symptoms before they start explaining the tax system to you over dinner. Deep down, dogs have always had a bit of a conservative streak. But sometimes it takes a more pronounced turn. When your dog starts wearing boat shoes, judging people who fly budget airlines, and banging on about the “value of hard work” despite never having paid a cent of tax in their life, it’s cause for concern.

5 Signs Your Dog Is Clearly Right-Wing

All dogs are a bit posh. But some take it to another level.

1. Every Sentence Starts With “I’ve Got Nothing Against Them, But…”

Your dog is keen to point out just how open-minded they are. Then they immediately follow up with a sentence that completely cancels out the intro. And of course, they always wrap up with: “Honestly, you can’t say anything these days.” Strangely, this never seems to stop them talking.

2. They Think They’re Green Because They Drive a Tesla

Your dog loves the environment. Well… mostly when it lets them keep up appearances. They give you a long explanation about offsetting their carbon footprint while planning a spontaneous weekend at a luxury Bali villa “to switch off”. Environmentalism, sure, but make it premium.

3. They Never Shut Up About Meritocracy

Your dog loves a good speech about hard work, effort and success. Which is surprising, given they:

• never cook,
• never pay rent,
• never lift a finger around the house,
• and already consider it heroic to have changed couches once.

Despite this, they insist: “This country hates people who succeed.”

4. Their Wardrobe Is Getting Concerning

The change is often gradual. First, a little sleeveless puffer vest. Then a jumper tied around the shoulders. And finally, the boat shoes. By this point, your dog is probably using the word “elegance” far too seriously.

5. They Recommend Books “To Open Your Eyes”

Your dog now has some very firm intellectual references. They gift you political books you never asked for, share podcasts about “success”, and seem convinced every economic problem can be solved with a TED Talk on entrepreneurship. Their favourite activity? Debating strangers at the dinner table.

How to Manage a Right-Wing Dog

Good news: there are still a few rehabilitation methods available.

Temporarily Cut Off Their Privileges

Very strong convictions can sometimes become a lot more nuanced once the perks disappear. Try cutting back on the premium treats, or swapping the organic salmon for something a bit more… budget-friendly. You might witness a dramatic evolution in their economic thinking.

Apply Their Own Free Market Principles

Open the window. Invite the neighbourhood dogs over to eat from their bowl, sleep in their basket and hog their patch of lawn. When they protest, calmly remind them that’s just the free market at work.

Limit the Anxiety-Inducing News Channels

After watching non-stop political panel shows, your dog ends up convinced everything’s going to collapse by Tuesday.

Cut the Screens.

Replace them with birds to watch, a patch of sunshine, and the sweet silence of canine ignorance.

Prevent Overly Hypocritical Getaways

It’s hard for your dog to lecture people on the environment while flying interstate every other weekend “to reconnect with nature”. The local caravan park remains an excellent learning experience.

Conclusion: Should You Be Worried?

Not necessarily. A right-wing dog is still, first and foremost, a dog: lazy, demanding and deeply attached to their comfort. But without quick intervention, symptoms could worsen. Today they’re listening to podcasts about wealth creation. Tomorrow they’ll be spending their days on LinkedIn with a bio that reads: “Founder. Thinker. Canine.” Right before raising funds to launch DogGPT, a revolutionary startup designed to replace humans with more obedient assistants. And if you love absurd diagnoses of the secret lives of dogs, like politics, love, identity, work or modern-day neuroses, the world of What To Do If My Dog Is Right-Wing? and the rest of the series should be right up your alley.