Your dog won’t stop banging on about order and discipline, and seems strangely preoccupied with the “purity” of canine bloodlines? They’ve recently gone for a very severe haircut and are harshly judging the neighbourhood dogs? A tough question might need to be asked: has your dog gone a bit fascist? Don’t panic. Before they turn the lounge room into a dodgy political rally, here are the signs that should worry you, plus a few experimental methods for bringing them back to something a bit more… socially acceptable.

5 Signs Your Dog Is Dangerously Off the Rails

All dogs like controlling their territory. But some take the concept way too seriously.

1. They’re Obsessed With Order and Hierarchy

Your dog doesn’t just want to live in the house anymore. They want to run it. Every cushion has to be in its place, every movement needs sign-off, and every other pet must be clearly ranked within an imaginary social pyramid. Strangely, they’ve given themselves the top job.

2. Their Look Is Getting a Bit… Concerning

No more cute accessories. Your dog has now adopted a stern, minimalist and frankly intimidating look. They talk a lot about being “recognisable” and seem fascinated by historical symbols nobody wants to see reappear in a normal home. When a look starts evoking a very grim history documentary, it might be time to step in.

3. They Champion “Free Speech” Right Before Saying Something Awful

You know the pattern. Your dog opens with: “You can’t say anything these days…” or “I’m just asking questions…” Then launches straight into a deeply absurd theory about the neighbourhood dogs. At this point, they’re not “just asking questions” anymore. They’re mostly just hogging the mood.

4. They’ve Developed Theories About “Real Breeds”

Lately your dog talks a lot about pedigree. A bit too much. According to them, some dogs are supposedly “more legitimate” than others, which is a bold claim for an animal who occasionally licks the inside of a bin bag. Meanwhile, the mutts down the street are getting on with their lives just fine without asking for their opinion.

5. Their Gestures Are Getting Way Too Enthusiastic

You’ve started noticing some frankly excessive paw movements. Of course, they claim it’s “a coincidence”. But when a historically very ill-advised gesture becomes a habit, it’s probably time for a conversation.

How to Re-educate a Fascist Dog

Good news: dogs can be stubborn, but they’re rarely a lost cause.

Get Them a DNA Test

An excellent method. Your dog might discover they share genetic material with:

• a grumpy bulldog,
• an eccentric greyhound,
• or the mutt from the car park they look down on so much.

A helpful reminder: absolute purity doesn’t even exist among dogs.

Expose Them to More Diversity

Invite Nacho over, an unlikely dog whose background nobody really knows, aside from a vague connection to a Mexican restaurant. After a few shared naps and a fight over a blanket, your dog might realise that differences matter less than a good spot on the tiles.

Break Their Obsession With Control

The moment they launch into a monologue about “canine decadence”, switch the robot vacuum on to full power. They’ll quickly discover there are forces far more powerful than their opinions: an unpredictable robot vacuum.

Remind Them What Real Socialising Looks Like

The happiest dogs aren’t the ones living alone in a perfectly ordered world. They’re the ones sharing a couch, a few silly squabbles, and sometimes even a bowl. Yes, even with very different dogs.

Conclusion: The Danger of a Perfectly Homogeneous Lounge Room

By insisting on a perfectly uniform world, your dog risks ending up very much alone. No more pushback, no more guests, no one left to keep them company, just a silent house and their own certainties on loop. Meanwhile, the other dogs in the street eat together, fight over a cushion and live their best lives without too many existential questions. Moral of the story: a dog should judge their fellow dogs on the things that actually matter, nap quality, tail-wagging skills, and the ability to share a tennis ball. And if you’re into this kind of absurd diagnosis of our furry mates’ political neuroses, What To Do If My Dog Is Right-Wing? and the rest of the series should speak to you.