Your cat consistently rejects advances from every tomcat in the neighbourhood, spends all her time with her mysterious friend Alex, and seems far more interested in certain female cats than in any male? It might be time to accept the obvious: your cat is lesbian. Before you organise yet another disastrous set-up with the neighbour's cat, let's look at the clues that might confirm your suspicions. At first, you weren't worried. Your cat just seemed picky. Then you decided to introduce her to Whiskers, a feline bachelor you thought was perfectly decent. The experience wasn't exactly a success. The moment he arrived, poor Whiskers got an icy stare before your cat vanished out the window. Since then, she spends her days at the cat's place across the road. You have no idea what they get up to together. But they recently bought a plant as a couple. And everyone knows a shared plant represents an extremely high level of emotional commitment.

5 Signs Your Cat Is Lesbian

All cats have their preferences. But some clues keep coming up again and again.

1. Her Style Is Evolving in a Very Specific Direction

Your cat has gradually dropped all traditional cuteness. Her haircut now seems to follow the exact same trajectory as a certain teen pop star's since the early 2010s: Justin Bieber. When you show her photos of particularly handsome tomcats, she just shrugs.

2. Her Friend Alex Is "Just a Friend"

Alex is everywhere. Holidays together. Spontaneous weekends away. Regular dinners. Shared naps. And whenever anyone asks a question, your cat immediately insists: "We're just friends." Nobody really believes her.

3. She Seems to Have Very Specific Interests

Your cat sometimes shows a particular enthusiasm for certain people. An enthusiasm that far outweighs anything she reserves for the neighbourhood tomcats. You've even started noticing something odd: You seem to be checking out the exact same people on the street.

4. She Has a Suspiciously Charged Relationship with Your Girlfriend

Your cat is normally affectionate with everyone. But when it comes to your partner, her enthusiasm level becomes frankly suspicious. She always finds an excuse to settle in nearby. And some of her kneading sessions seem particularly motivated.

5. Dates with Males Always Go Wrong

Every attempt at a romantic set-up follows the exact same pattern:

• a tomcat shows up,
• your cat gets bored,
• she looks for an escape route,
• then mysteriously disappears.

At this point, the issue probably isn't the choice of candidates anymore.

How Should You React If Your Cat Is Lesbian?

The good news is there's absolutely nothing to fix. But you can still adjust your own behaviour.

Stop Setting Her Up with Tomcats

Whiskers. Marmalade. Tiger. Felix. The problem isn't that they aren't good enough. The problem is they simply aren't her type. Spare them the humiliation.

Let Her Hang Out with Whoever She Wants

If she wants to spend her weekends with Alex in Byron Bay or wherever, there's no need to make it a big deal. Cats are already complicated enough without adding your own romantic plans to the mix.

Let Go of Certain Expectations

You might have pictured:

• kittens everywhere,
• family photos,
• quiet Sundays in front of the TV.

But sometimes you have to accept that your pets have other plans for their future.

Take Her Claw Grooming Seriously

Some habits require meticulous preparation. We won't go into detail. You've probably already figured it out.

Conclusion: You're Now in Competition

The final realisation often arrives unexpectedly. In front of the TV, for instance. A celebrity appears on screen. Let's say Angelina Jolie. You both find yourselves staring at the image with the exact same admiring expression. A long silence follows. Then the truth hits you. You have the same taste. And more importantly, you realise your cat isn't just lesbian. She's also your direct rival. The most worrying part? In this competition, she holds several decisive advantages: she's cuter, more mysterious and sleeps eighteen hours a day without ever looking rough. Safe to say your odds are extremely limited. And if you love absurd portraits of cats with love lives more complicated than our own, What To Do If My Cat Is a Leftie? and its sequels should be right up your alley.