Your dog systematically turns down every male in the street, spends all her time with her mysterious friend Alex, and seems far more interested in certain female dogs than in any male? It might be time to accept the obvious: your dog is a lesbian. Before you set up another disastrous date with the neighbour’s dog, let’s examine the clues that might confirm your suspicions. At first, you weren’t worried. Your dog just seemed picky. Then you decided to introduce her to Whiskers, a canine bachelor you thought was perfectly decent. The experience wasn’t exactly a success. Poor Whiskers had barely arrived before getting an icy stare and watching your dog disappear out the window. Since then, she spends her days at the dog’s place across the road. You have no idea what they get up to together. But they recently bought a plant together. And everyone knows a shared plant represents an extremely high level of emotional commitment.

5 Signs Your Dog Is a Lesbian

All dogs have their preferences. But some clues keep coming up.

1. Her Style Is Heading in a Very Specific Direction

Your dog has gradually dropped all traditional vanity. Her haircut now seems to be following the exact same trajectory as a certain teen pop star’s since the early 2010s: Justin Bieber. When you show her photos of particularly good-looking male dogs, she just shrugs.

2. Her Friend Alex Is “Just a Friend”

Alex is everywhere. Holidays together. Spontaneous weekends away. Regular dinners. Shared naps. And whenever anyone asks, your dog immediately insists: “We’re just friends.” Nobody really believes her.

3. Her Interests Are Suspiciously Specific

Your dog occasionally shows particular enthusiasm for certain people. An enthusiasm that far outstrips whatever she reserves for the local males. You’ve even started noticing an unsettling pattern: you both seem to be checking out exactly the same people on the street.

4. She Has a Suspiciously Close Bond With Your Girlfriend

Your dog is normally affectionate with everyone. But when it comes to your girlfriend, her level of enthusiasm gets suspicious. She always finds an excuse to settle in nearby. And some of the licking sessions seem particularly enthusiastic.

5. Every Date With a Male Goes Horribly Wrong

Every attempted romantic setup follows the same pattern:

• a male dog arrives,
• your dog gets bored,
• she starts looking for an escape route,
• then mysteriously vanishes.

At this point, the problem probably isn’t the choice of candidates anymore.

How to React If Your Dog Is a Lesbian

The good news is there’s absolutely nothing to fix. But you can still adjust your own behaviour.

Stop Setting Her Up With Males

Whiskers. Caramel. Tiger. Felix. The problem isn’t that they’re not good enough. The problem is they simply don’t match her type. Spare them the humiliation.

Let Her Hang Out With Whoever She Wants

If she wants to spend her weekends with Alex in Venice or wherever, there’s no need to make a drama of it. Dogs are already complicated enough without adding your own romantic wish list into the mix.

Let Go of Certain Plans

You might have pictured:

• puppies everywhere,
• family photos,
• quiet Sundays in front of the TV.

But sometimes you have to accept your pet has other plans for their future.

Take Her Nail Grooming Seriously

Certain habits require meticulous upkeep. We won’t go into the details. You’ve probably already got the picture.

Conclusion: You’re Now in Direct Competition

The final revelation often arrives unexpectedly. For instance, in front of the TV. A celebrity appears on screen. Say, Angelina Jolie. You both find yourselves staring at the screen with exactly the same admiring expression. A long silence follows. Then the truth hits you. You have the same taste. And more importantly, you realise your dog isn’t just a lesbian. She’s also your direct rival. The most worrying part? In this competition, she’s got several decisive advantages: she’s cuter, more mysterious, and sleeps eighteen hours a day without ever looking rough for it. Suffice to say, your odds are extremely limited. And if you love absurd portraits of dogs with love lives more complicated than our own, What To Do If My Dog Is Left-Wing? and the rest of the series should be right up your alley.