Your dog looks down on regional Australia, refuses “mass-produced” kibble and seems convinced that living more than 20 minutes from a specialty coffee roaster is a human tragedy? Bad news: your dog might be a genuine Fitzroy wanker. How do you spot this very particular syndrome in a dog raised in inner-north Melbourne? And more importantly, is there still hope for rehabilitation? An analysis of an increasingly common affliction.

6 Signs Your Dog Is a Genuinely Insufferable Inner-City Type

All dogs are a bit snobby. But some reach a worrying level of expertise.

1. They Sleep Under a Portrait of Adam Bandt

You thought it was ironic. It’s not. Every night, your dog drifts off peacefully beneath a framed photo of the local Greens MP, wearing the satisfied look of someone convinced that bike lanes will save humanity. They even give a quiet little clap whenever a car lane disappears.

2. They Give Their Puppies Impossibly Bougie Names

No Rex, Buddy or Caramel in this house. Their pups are named Winter, Bowie and Fig, occasionally with a hyphenated name nobody can quite pronounce. They also insist on mentioning they attend an “alternative bilingual daycare”.

3. They Buy Their Kibble From a Bio Grocer in Fitzroy

Supermarket kibble is simply out of the question. Your dog prefers a tiny, under-the-radar shop where a bag costs about what you’d get for a kidney on the black market, and the kibble is gluten-free, locally sourced, ethical and emotionally balanced. They silently judge you every time you buy a well-known brand.

4. They Only Eat Alfresco

Wet food indoors? Not for them, thanks. Your dog demands a heated outdoor table, a bit of jazz in the background, and a glass of rosé sitting next to their bowl. They’ve also developed a strange passion for watching passers-by with an air of deep disappointment.

5. They Have a Share-Bike Subscription… That They Hate

Your dog is a fierce defender of urban cycling. That said, they consider the council share bikes “an absolute shambles for years now” and always find a reason to complain. They love the concept, far less the execution.

6. They Think Regional Folk Live in Another Century

According to them, once you’re past the outer suburbs, the locals:

• don’t have the internet,
• eat nothing but sausage rolls,
• drive 45 minutes for a decent flat white,
• and think Sizzler counts as a cultural outing.

No matter how hard you try to reason with them, they keep calling everyone “the regionals”.

How to Re-educate an Inner-City Dog

Don’t worry: there are still a few experimental methods.

Start Intensive Music Therapy

Blast The Pub With No Beer at full volume. At first, your dog will protest with sheer contempt. Then, one weak evening, you might catch them wagging their tail during the chorus. That’ll be the first sign of hope.

Introduce Them to a Bunnings Warehouse

Head to a big-box retail precinct. The goal: help them understand you can find a snag, a pair of socks and a barbecue all in the same place, without an existential crisis. It’s a rough experience, but often effective.

Ban Certain Words

A language detox can help. For a month, your dog isn’t allowed to say:

• rooftop bar,
• concept store,
• co-working space,
• premium vintage,
• or immersive experience.

The first few days are rough, but the withdrawal works.

Trigger a Controlled Culture Shock

Put them in a cap that says “I ❤ VB”, stick them in a pair of thongs, and take them to watch a game of lawn bowls. After a few hours, they might start saying “oh, fair dinkum” completely unironically.

Conclusion: Can an Inner-City Dog Be Saved?

Yes… but you need to act fast. The final stage would be particularly worrying: the one where they explain they want “a little place in Byron Bay to escape the toxic energy of the city”, while still happily paying twenty-eight bucks for an avocado toast. But don’t lose hope: behind every inner-city wanker is a fragile little dog who, deep down, loves a cardboard box just as much as any other dog. And for even more absurd diagnoses of modern canine psychology, dive into the world of What To Do If My Dog Is Gay? and the rest of the series.