Your cat looks down on the outer suburbs, refuses "supermarket" kibble and seems convinced that living more than 20 minutes from a boutique cafe is a human tragedy? Bad news: your cat might be a genuine eastern suburbs tosser. How do you spot this very particular syndrome in a cat raised in the eastern suburbs? And is there still hope for rehabilitation? An analysis of an increasingly common affliction.

6 Signs Your Cat Is a Truly Insufferable Eastern Suburbs Tosser

All cats are a bit snobby. But some reach a worrying level of expertise.

1. They Sleep Under a Framed Photo of the Lord Mayor

You thought it was ironic. It's not. Every night, your cat dozes off peacefully beneath a framed photo of Lord Mayor Clover Moore, looking like someone thoroughly convinced that bike lanes will save humanity. They even applaud quietly whenever a car lane disappears.

2. They Give Their Kittens Impossibly Try-Hard Names

No Fluffy, Tiger or Biscuit in this house. Their kittens are called Hugo, Sebastian and Arabella, sometimes with a double-barrelled name nobody can pronounce properly. They also insist on mentioning the kittens attend a "bilingual alternative daycare."

3. They Buy Their Kibble from an Organic Grocer in Bondi

Supermarket kibble is simply out of the question. Your cat prefers a tiny boutique shop where the bags cost roughly a kidney on the black market, and the kibble is gluten free, locally sourced, ethically raised and emotionally balanced. They silently judge you whenever you buy a name brand.

4. They Only Eat on a Terrace

Pâté indoors? Not for them. Your cat demands a heated terrace, a bit of ambient jazz and a glass of rosé sitting next to their bowl. They've also developed a strange passion for watching passersby with an expression of deep disappointment.

5. They Have a Share-Bike Membership… They Hate

Your cat is a fierce defender of urban cycling. That said, they consider the local share-bike scheme "an absolute disgrace for years now" and always find a reason to complain. They love the concept, much less the execution.

6. They Think People West of the Bridge Live in Another Century

According to them, out past the bridge, people:

• don't have the internet,
• only eat meat pies,
• drive 45 minutes to buy bread,
• and consider a trip to a Bunnings snag a cultural outing.

You've tried to reason with them, but they keep calling everyone "the outer suburbs mob."

How Do You Re-Educate an Eastern Suburbs Cat?

Take heart: there are still a few experimental methods.

Start an Intensive Music Therapy Program

Play Khe Sanh at full volume. At first, your cat will protest with contempt. Then, one weak moment, you might catch them wagging their tail during the chorus. That will be the first sign of hope.

Introduce Them to a Big Box Hardware Store

Head to a large outer suburban retail strip. The goal: help them understand that you can find cheese, socks and a barbecue in the same place, with no existential drama. The experience is rough, but often effective.

Ban Certain Words

A language detox can help. For one month, your cat is no longer allowed to say:

• rooftop bar,
• concept store,
• co-working,
• premium op shop,
• or immersive experience.

The first few days are rough, but the detox works.

Trigger a Controlled Culture Shock

Put them in a bucket hat that says "I LOVE VB", a pair of thongs, and take them to watch a game of lawn bowls. After a few hours, they might start saying "yeah nah, good on ya" without a hint of irony.

Conclusion: Can an Eastern Suburbs Cat Be Saved?

Yes… but you need to act fast. The final stage would be particularly alarming: the moment they explain they want "a little pied-a-terre out west to escape the toxic energy of the eastern suburbs" while still paying $22 for a smashed avo on toast. But hold onto hope: behind every eastern suburbs snob is a fragile little cat who, deep down, loves an Amazon box just as much as any other cat. And to discover even more absurd diagnoses of modern feline psychology, dive into the world of What To Do If My Cat Is Gay? and its sequels.