You're looking for a gift for someone who loves cats. Not "quite likes," mind you: we're talking about someone who calls their pet "my son," wishes them a happy birthday on Instagram, and already owns more photos of a ball of fur than of their own family. Basically, someone potentially beyond saving. Buying a gift for this kind of person is tricky. Get it wrong, and you risk falling into the "Cat Mum" mug or the paw-print sock hell, which is basically the laziest corner of decorative capitalism. So you need to aim well: something funny, a bit absurd, and that truly speaks to the mild mental illness that is an excessive love of cats. Here are 5 gift ideas for cat people that genuinely deserve consideration.

1. A Funny Cat Book That Doesn't Treat People Like Idiots

Let's start with the obvious: if the person you're buying for lives with a cat and has already started projecting political opinions, neuroses or a sexual orientation onto them, stop fighting the problem and lean into it. That's exactly why What To Do If My Cat Is Gay? exists: a survival guide for anyone who suspects their cat of being woke, racist, a hipster, promiscuous or a K-pop fan. The idea is simple: take the absurd reflex every cat owner has (projecting anything and everything onto their pet) and push it all the way to catastrophe. It's a great gift for:

• the person who calls their cat "Bubs" with zero irony;
• the friend who's already told you "I swear he manipulates me" about a Siamese;
• or anyone who considers living with a cat the equivalent of cohabiting with a furry sociopath.

And best of all, it's a nice change from the cutesy book about "the secrets of our feline companions," which always ends up explaining that Mittens loves cardboard boxes because she feels safe in them. Thanks, Captain Obvious.

2. A Personalised Portrait of Their Cat

Turning an obese, passive-aggressive cat into Napoleon, the Pope or a British admiral remains a safe bet. It's pretentious, wildly disproportionate and generally quite ugly. But ask yourself this: what will your loved one actually do once the painting is hanging up? Look at it. Every day. For twenty years. Whereas a book like What To Do If My Cat Is Gay? gives them a genuine, detailed and accurate portrait of an animal that's probably an anarchist, a hipster or addicted to self-help podcasts. Honestly, between a poster gathering dust and a guide accusing a cat of being a communist, the choice is easy.

3. A Personality Analysis for Their Cat

Some companies offer to decode your cat's personality. They'll ask for their age, breed, habits, sometimes even their star sign, before informing you they're "curious but independent," "attached to their territory" or "emotionally complex." In other words, you pay $60 for a stranger to tell you your cat… is a cat. At that price, you might as well get them What To Do If My Cat Is Gay?. At least it doesn't pretend to be scientific: it will very seriously explain that your cat is probably Texan, vegan or a K-pop stan. And, paradoxically, that will sometimes sound more believable.

4. A Cat Mug

A mug can work. As long as it's stupid enough. Not a "Cat Mum." Not a "Home Is Where My Cat Is." That's the gift section of a garden centre on a Sunday afternoon. You need something that fully commits to the madness. For example: I go to work to pay for the kibble of an animal that hates me. Or you could skip the dishware step entirely and get What To Do If My Cat Is Gay?, which contains exactly the same level of despair, just spread over 180 pages.

5. A Cat Themed Board Game

This can be a good idea, but only on one condition: it needs to last less than twenty minutes. Because after twenty minutes, everyone naturally wants to start talking about their own cat instead. And that's exactly where your gift becomes useful. After a couple of rounds, someone will inevitably say: "Mine does exactly that." At which point you can pull out What To Do If My Cat Is Gay? like it's an actual veterinary manual. "Ah no, that one's clearly a Berliner cat." The night is saved.

Conclusion

At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter what you choose. A portrait, a mug, a board game or an embroidered cushion will all end up in the same place: next to the cat, who will completely ignore them. But if you gift What To Do If My Cat Is Gay?, chances are your loved one will immediately start comparing their cat to the 100 profiles in the book. For a few hours, they might even forget to show you the 437 photos of their pet taken this week. That's probably the nicest gift you can give the people around them.