Your dog can no longer stand being referred to as male, corrects your wording with a look of pure contempt, and treats the very notion of “dog” or “bitch” as an oppressive construct? It might be time to accept the obvious: your dog identifies as non-binary. Before they demand a degendered garden, a new name every ten days and an official statement to the neighbourhood, here are the signs that should worry you.

The 5 signs your dog is non-binary

1. They challenge every pronoun you use

At first, you thought it was a phase. Then you said "where's he got to" in front of some friends, and your dog gave you that icy stare certain secondary school teachers used to give right before ruining a childhood. Since then, you think for three full seconds before every sentence.

2. They amend official paperwork

Vaccination records, insurance, adoption forms: wherever a "male/female" box appears, your dog adds "other", "neither" or sometimes "conceptually superior". Last time, they refused to leave the waiting room until the vet had corrected their file.

3. They change name more often than they change cushion

You've known Bibou. Then Pixel. Then Andromeda. Then "canine entity currently observable in the lounge". At this point, their engraved collars cost more than their kibble.

4. They treat categories as a personal attack

A basket for males? No. A basket for females? No, thank you. Your dog rejects every attempt at classification, every assignment, every binary... except the Amazon box they've been sleeping in for six days, which they clearly consider a safe political space.

5. They turn their identity into your permanent oral exam

Every conversation becomes a test. Every wrong name earns you a heavy silence. Every hesitation over a pronoun triggers the same expression as someone who's just discovered you still vote like your parents. You no longer live with a dog. You live with a permanent resit.

How to react to a non-binary dog

Adjust your vocabulary

Forget overly gendered nicknames. Go for more flexible options, like "noble creature", "majesty of the paw pads" or "identity manifestation currently curled up on the blanket".

Accept that you won't always keep up

Your dog may have changed name three times, pronouns twice and species once this week. That's fine. Just try to look respectful and keep the bowl filled.

Become fluid yourself

After all, nothing's stopping you from identifying as the owner of a yacht in Monaco, heir to an oil dynasty, or someone capable of assembling flatpack furniture without crying. Identity is a journey.

Conclusion

On reflection, the problem probably isn't that your dog is non-binary. The problem is that you're still trying to apply consistency to an animal who sleeps 18 hours a day, attacks your ankles for no reason, and already treats your flat as occupied territory. Deep down, rejecting boxes, despising authority and permanently demanding that everyone adapt to your inner world... might simply be the purest form of the canine condition. What To Do If My Dog Is Labour? and its sequels will introduce you to other equally trying dogs, between identity crises, dubious ideologies and lounge catastrophes.