Your dog systematically turns down advances from the local males, spends all her time with her mysterious friend Alex, and seems far more interested in certain female dogs than in any male? It might be time to accept the obvious: your dog is a lesbian. Before you organise yet another disastrous date with the neighbour's dog, let's look at the clues that might confirm your suspicions. At first, you weren't worried. Your dog just seemed picky. Then you decided to introduce her to Whiskers, a canine bachelor you thought was perfectly suitable. The experience wasn't exactly a success. The moment poor Whiskers arrived, he got a glacial stare before your dog disappeared out the window. Since then, she spends her days at the dog's place across the street. You have no idea what they get up to together. But they recently bought a plant together. And everyone knows a shared plant represents an extremely high level of emotional commitment.

5 signs your dog is a lesbian

All dogs have their preferences. But certain clues keep cropping up.

1. Her style is heading in a very specific direction

Your dog has gradually abandoned all traditional grooming vanity. Her haircut now seems to follow exactly the same trajectory as a certain teen pop star's since the early 2010s: Justin Bieber. When you show her photos of particularly handsome dogs, she just shrugs.

2. Her friend Alex is "just a friend"

Alex is everywhere. Holidays together. Spontaneous weekends away. Regular dinners. Shared naps. And whenever anyone asks, your dog immediately insists: “We're just friends.” Nobody really believes her.

3. She seems to have very specific interests

Your dog sometimes shows a particular enthusiasm for certain individuals. An enthusiasm that far exceeds anything she shows the local males. You've even started noticing a troubling pattern: You often find yourselves looking at exactly the same people in the street.

4. She has a suspiciously charged relationship with your girlfriend

Your dog is normally affectionate with everyone. But when it comes to your partner, her level of enthusiasm becomes frankly suspicious. She always finds an excuse to come and sit close by. And certain licking sessions seem particularly motivated.

5. Dates with males always go wrong

Every attempted romantic meeting follows the same pattern:

• a male arrives,
• your dog gets bored,
• she looks for an escape route,
• then mysteriously vanishes.

At this point, the problem is probably no longer the choice of candidates.

How to react if your dog is a lesbian

The good news is there's absolutely nothing to fix. But you can still adjust your own behaviour.

Stop introducing her to males

Whiskers. Toffee. Tigger. Felix. The problem isn't that they're not good enough. The problem is they simply don't match her taste. Spare them the humiliation.

Let her spend time with whoever she wants

If she wants to spend her weekends with Alex in Venice or anywhere else, there's no need to make a drama out of it. Dogs are already complicated enough without adding your own romantic plans on top.

Grieve certain plans

You might have imagined:

• puppies everywhere,
• family photos,
• quiet Sundays in front of the telly.

But sometimes you have to accept that our pets have other plans for their future.

Take her nail care seriously

Certain habits require meticulous preparation. We won't go into detail. You've probably already worked it out.

Conclusion: you are now in competition

The final revelation often arrives unexpectedly. For example, in front of the telly. A celebrity appears on screen. Let's say Angelina Jolie. You both find yourselves staring at the screen with exactly the same admiring expression. A long silence follows. Then the truth hits you. You have the same taste. And, more importantly, you realise your dog isn't just a lesbian. She's also your direct rival. The most worrying part? In this competition, she holds several decisive advantages: she's cuter, more mysterious, and sleeps eighteen hours a day without ever looking tired. Which is to say, your odds are extremely limited. And if you enjoy absurd portraits of dogs with more complicated love lives than our own, What To Do If My Dog Is Labour? and its sequels should be right up your street.