Your dog now calls you “comrade”, thinks your kibble should belong to everyone, and believes owning two cushions already amounts to an excessive concentration of wealth? It might be time to face the truth: your dog is a communist.

Before he collectivises your sofa or turns your flat into a canine people’s republic, here are the signs that should tip you off.

5 signs your dog is a communist

All dogs like living off other people’s work. But some turn it into political doctrine.

1. He dreams of a revolutionary moustache

For a few weeks now, your dog has been trying to grow a historic moustache.

Unfortunately, the result looks more like a poorly wiped kibble stain than an iconic figure of the revolution.

That doesn’t stop him proudly posing for his official portraits.

2. He’s abolished the concept of ownership

Your bed?

Our bed.

Your sofa?

Our sofa.

Your kibble?

The people’s kibble.

On the other hand, when another dog approaches his favourite spot by the radiator, the collectivising stops abruptly.

3. He redistributes wealth... to himself

Your dog claims to be fighting inequality.

And yet, whenever he gets his paws on resources, they invariably end up in his own stomach.

The “people” affected by his redistribution always seem to consist of exactly one individual.

And that individual looks remarkably like him.

4. He’s set up a canine union

Your lounge has become the headquarters of the National Union of Underfed Dogs.

The demands are simple:

• double rations of dinner;
• more treats;
• heated cushions for all;
• an end to vet appointments.

Negotiations are tense.

5. You are now officially bourgeois

Ever since your salary went up slightly, your dog looks at you with suspicion.

He uses expressions like:

“the domestic elite”

or

“owner of the means of kibble production”.

All you did was buy a new blanket.

How to react to a communist dog

The situation is serious, but not hopeless.

Introduce him to entrepreneurship

Suggest he starts a business.

A few weeks managing clients, stock and invoices might just introduce him to concepts he’d previously criticised with great confidence.

Or he’ll immediately start exploiting the other dogs.

Hard to say which.

Bureaucratise his corner of the garden

Declare his corner of the garden collective property.

From now on, every use will require:

• a request form;
• administrative approval;
• and a processing time of several days.

He’ll quickly discover the joys of central planning.

Offer him a revolutionary immersion

Your dog loves slogans, posters and grand speeches.

Confront him with something a bit more concrete: tuna shortages, queues for kibble and treat rationing.

His enthusiasm might drop slightly.

Start your own social movement

Temporarily stop feeding him.

Leave leaflets around the house explaining that the human workers are protesting their conditions.

For the first time, your dog might understand how a boss feels facing a strike.

Conclusion: revolutionary or just very online?

For a moment, you had your doubts.

After all, your dog spends his time criticising billionaires, previous generations, and anyone who doesn’t share his opinion.

Maybe he wasn’t a communist after all.

Maybe he was just very active online.

Then you caught him haranguing the neighbourhood pigeons, perched on a toppled over bin, with a revolutionary energy that was hard to ignore.

At that moment, the diagnosis became obvious.

Your dog doesn’t just want more kibble.

He wants to change the world.

Luckily for you, he sleeps seventeen hours a day.

So the revolution can wait a little while longer.

And if you enjoy absurd portraits of politically engaged dogs, thoroughly contradictory and dangerously convinced they’re right, What to Do If My Dog Is Gay and its sequels should be right up your street.