Your dog now refuses to be called a “pet” and demands the status of “self employed canine worker”? He thinks your flat should be collectivised and talks more about class struggle than kibble? It might be time to face reality: your dog is Labour. Before he unionises the neighbourhood pigeons or organises a general strike against automatic feeding machines, let's look at the most common symptoms of this canine radicalisation.

6 signs your dog has gone very hard left

All dogs like to challenge authority. But some turn it into a whole societal project.

1. He's declared your lounge a “zone to defend”

You just wanted to install a new vacuum cleaner. Your dog saw a direct attack on his way of life. A few hours later, the lounge was barricaded with:

• cardboard boxes,
• cushions,
• a moth eaten blanket,
• and a sign reading:

“NO TO CARPET GENTRIFICATION.” Since then, every attempt at cleaning is described as repression.

2. He hates pedigree dogs

Your dog can no longer stand German Shepherds, poodles or huskies. According to him, they're simply: “privileged dogs, out of touch with life on the ground.” He now refuses to spend time with the neighbour's Golden Retriever, whom he accuses of hoarding excessive furry capital.

3. He's replaced every symbol in the house

Your decor has mysteriously changed. The flag on the wall has disappeared. In its place are now several multicoloured banners representing causes even your dog sometimes struggles to explain. When you ask what they mean, he usually replies: “It's more complicated than that.” And refuses to elaborate.

4. He loves causes... except when they involve his own bowl

Your dog actively campaigns against:

• intensive farming,
• overconsumption,
• animal exploitation,
• and the excesses of productivism.

And yet, he still demands imported salmon and premium chicken. When you point out the contradiction, he immediately changes the subject.

5. Documentaries have become his religion

Every evening, your dog watches three hour documentaries about:

• geopolitics,
• the climate crisis,
• global inequality,
• or the history of social movements in Europe.

Always with a glass of sulphite free organic wine. He sighs constantly.

6. Everything is always “the system's” fault

His bowl is empty? The system. It's raining? The system. A fly gets away from him? The system. You moved his cushion? The system, again. At this point, even gravity seems to be a social construct working against him.

How to react if your dog is Labour

Fortunately, a few solutions exist.

Confront him with his contradictions

Your dog wants to ban intensive fishing but demands Norwegian salmon morning and night? Calmly ask the question. You probably won't get a clear answer, but watching him squirm is deeply satisfying.

Send him into hostile territory

An extended stay in a very posh area can produce interesting results. After a few weeks surrounded by jumpers knotted over the shoulders and conversations about buy to let investments, he might just start finding some ideas “not so absurd after all”.

Turn his own methods against him

At the slightest verbal slip, draft an official statement detailing his daily microaggressions:

• discrimination against cats,
• stigmatisation of vacuum cleaners,
• offensive remarks towards pigeons.

Let the activist taste his own medicine.

Keep him busy with more canine activities

Try:

• a foam ball,
• a stick,
• a cardboard box,
• or a window overlooking some birds.

Even the most committed revolutionaries remain vulnerable to a good distraction.

Conclusion: an activist, above all, exhausted

The trouble with your dog is that he now protests everywhere. Yesterday, he was on a climate march. Today, he's backing another cause. Tomorrow, probably a third. By now, he doesn't even check where he's going. Last week, he ended up in the middle of a march for young right wing Catholics without even realising. He stuck out slightly with his blue hair, his “ACAB” t-shirt and his “Long live lesbians!” placard. But deep down, that sums things up rather well. Your dog is genuinely committed. Just not always terribly organised. And if you enjoy absurd portraits of politically engaged dogs, thoroughly contradictory and deeply convinced they're right, What To Do If My Dog Is Labour? and its sequels should quickly find a spot on your bedside table.