Your dog won't stop talking about order and discipline, and seems oddly preoccupied with the “purity” of canine bloodlines? He's recently adopted a very strict haircut and judges the neighbourhood dogs harshly? A difficult question might need asking: has your dog gone a bit fascist? Don't panic. Before he turns the lounge into a dodgy political rally, here are the signs that should worry you, plus a few experimental methods to try to bring him back to something a little more… socially acceptable.

5 signs your dog is drifting dangerously

All dogs like to control their territory. But some take the concept far too seriously.

1. He's obsessed with order and hierarchy

Your dog no longer wants to simply live in the house. He wants to run it. Every cushion must be in its place, every movement approved, and every other pet clearly slotted into an imaginary social pyramid. Oddly enough, he's given himself the top job.

2. His look is becoming a little… concerning

No more cute accessories. Your dog has now adopted a stern, minimalist, frankly intimidating look. He talks a lot about being “recognisable” and seems fascinated by historical symbols nobody wants to see reappear in a normal flat. When a look starts to resemble a very tense historical documentary, it might be time to step in.

3. He defends “free speech” right before saying something atrocious

You know the pattern. Your dog starts a sentence with: “You can't say anything anymore…” or “I'm just asking questions…” Then launches into a deeply absurd theory about the neighbourhood dogs. At this point, he's no longer “just asking questions”. He's mostly hogging the room.

4. He's developed theories about “real breeds”

Lately, your dog talks a great deal about pedigree. A little too much. According to him, some dogs are “more legitimate” than others, which is rather ambitious for an animal who occasionally licks bin bags. Meanwhile, the mongrels around the neighbourhood are getting on with their lives just fine without asking his opinion.

5. He makes some far too enthusiastic gestures

You've started noticing some rather excessive paw movements. Of course, he claims it's “a coincidence”. But when a deeply frowned upon historical gesture becomes a habit, it might be time for a conversation.

How to re-educate a fascist dog

Good news: dogs can be stubborn, but they're rarely beyond saving.

Get him a DNA test

An excellent method. Your dog might discover he shares genetic ancestry with:

• a grumpy bulldog,
• an eccentric greyhound,
• or the mongrel from the car park he so despises.

A helpful reminder: even among dogs, absolute purity doesn't exist.

Expose him to more diversity

Invite Nacho round, an improbable dog whose origins nobody quite knows, aside from a vague link to a Mexican restaurant. After a few shared naps and a scrap over a blanket, your dog might just realise that differences matter far less than a good spot on the tiles.

Break his need for control

The moment he launches into a monologue about “canine decadence”, switch the robot vacuum on to full power. He'll quickly discover there are far more powerful forces than his opinions: an unpredictable, self driving hoover.

Remind him what real social life looks like

The happiest dogs aren't the ones living alone in a perfectly ordered world. They're the ones sharing a sofa, a few silly squabbles, and sometimes even a bowl. Yes, even with very different dogs.

Conclusion: the danger of the perfectly homogeneous lounge

By insisting on a perfectly uniform world, your dog risks ending up very alone. No more contradiction, no more guests, nobody left to keep him company, just a silent flat and his own certainties on a loop. Meanwhile, the other neighbourhood dogs are eating together, squabbling over a cushion, and living their best lives without too many existential questions. Moral of the story: a dog should judge his fellow dogs on what truly matters, quality of naps, tail wagging skills, and the ability to share a tennis ball. And if you enjoy this kind of absurd insight into our four legged companions' political neuroses, What To Do If My Dog Is A Tory? and its sequels are likely to strike a chord.