Your dog talks about merit while sleeping 18 hours a day, defends success without ever having worked a day in his life, and has suddenly developed a fascination for jumpers knotted over the shoulders? You might have to consider an uncomfortable possibility: your dog is a Tory. Don't worry, it's not necessarily irreversible. You just need to spot the symptoms before he starts explaining income tax to you over dinner. Deep down, dogs have always had a slightly conservative streak. But sometimes the phenomenon becomes far more pronounced. When your dog starts wearing deck shoes, judging people who take the budget train, and banging on about the “value of hard work” despite never having paid into anything in his life, there's cause for concern.

5 signs your dog is clearly a Tory

All dogs are a little bit posh. But some take it to another level.

1. He starts every sentence with “I've got nothing against… but…”

Your dog is keen to point out how open minded he is. Then he immediately follows up with a sentence that completely cancels out the introduction. And of course, he always finishes with: “Anyway, you can't say anything these days.” Oddly enough, he keeps talking a great deal regardless.

2. He thinks he's green because he drives a Tesla

Your dog adores the environment. Well… mostly when it lets him keep up appearances. He'll happily explain how he offsets his carbon footprint, all while planning a spontaneous weekend at a Moroccan riad “to disconnect”. Green living, sure, just the premium version.

3. He won't stop banging on about meritocracy

Your dog loves talking about hard work, effort and success. Which is surprising, given that he:

• never cooks,
• never pays rent,
• never does a single chore,
• and already considers switching sofas a heroic achievement.

Despite all this, he insists: “This country doesn't like people who succeed.”

4. His dress sense is starting to worry you

The change tends to happen gradually. First, a little gilet. Then a jumper knotted over the shoulders. And finally, the deck shoes. At this point, your dog is probably starting to use the word “elegance” far too earnestly.

5. He recommends books to “open your eyes”

Your dog now has very firm intellectual references. He gives you political books you never asked for, shares podcasts about “success”, and seems convinced every economic problem could be solved with a TED Talk on entrepreneurship. His favourite pastime? Debating strangers over dinner.

How to manage a Tory dog

Good news: there are still a few rehabilitation methods available.

Temporarily cut his privileges

Very strong convictions can sometimes soften once the perks disappear. Try slightly reducing the premium treats, or swapping the organic salmon for something a bit more… accessible. You might witness a dramatic shift in his economic thinking.

Apply his own free market principles

Open the window. Invite the neighbourhood dogs to come and eat from his bowl, sleep in his basket and take over his favourite patch of lawn. When he protests, calmly remind him it's simply the free market at work.

Limit the doom mongering news channels

After hours of nonstop political debate shows, your dog ends up convinced everything will collapse by Tuesday.

Turn off the screens.

Replace them with birds to watch, a patch of sunshine, and the blissful silence of canine ignorance.

Stop the overly contradictory getaways

Your dog can hardly lecture you on the environment while jetting off every other weekend “for the authenticity”. A council run campsite remains an excellent educational experience.

Conclusion: should you be worried?

Not necessarily. A Tory dog is still, above all, a dog: lazy, demanding and deeply attached to his own comfort. But without swift intervention, the symptoms could get worse. Today, he's listening to podcasts about wealth creation. Tomorrow, he'll spend his days on LinkedIn with a bio along the lines of: “Founder. Thinker. Canine.” Right before raising funds to launch DogGPT, a revolutionary start-up designed to replace humans with more obedient assistants. And if you enjoy absurd insights into dogs' secret lives, from politics and love to identity, work and modern day neuroses, the world of What To Do If My Dog Is A Tory? and its sequels should be right up your street.