Your cat talks about merit despite sleeping 18 hours a day, champions success without ever having worked a day in their life, and has suddenly developed a fascination with jumpers knotted over the shoulders? You might have to consider an uncomfortable possibility: your cat is a Tory. Don’t worry, it isn’t necessarily irreversible. You just need to spot the symptoms before they start explaining the tax system to you over dinner. Deep down, cats have always had a bit of a conservative streak. Sleeping all day while a human works to pay for their meals, demanding ever more comfort and treating solidarity as a weakness the moment it involves sharing a blanket: it’s hard to deny certain predispositions. But sometimes, the phenomenon becomes more pronounced. When your cat starts wearing boat shoes, judging people who take the budget coach, and talking about “hard work” despite never having paid a penny of tax in their life, there’s cause for concern.

5 signs your cat is clearly a Tory

All cats are a little posh. But some go a step further.

1. They start every sentence with “I’ve got nothing against… but…”

Your cat is keen to point out how open-minded they are. Then they immediately follow it with a sentence that completely undoes the introduction. And, naturally, they always finish with: “Honestly, you can’t say anything these days.” Strangely, they never stop talking.

2. They think they’re green because they drive a Tesla

Your cat loves the environment. Well… mostly when it lets them keep up appearances. They’ll explain at length how they offset their carbon footprint, all while planning a spontaneous weekend at a Moroccan riad “to switch off”. Green living, yes — but premium.

3. They won’t stop banging on about meritocracy

Your cat loves talking about hard work, effort and success. Which is surprising, given that they:

• never cook,
• pay no rent whatsoever,
• do no household chores,
• and already consider it heroic that they changed sofas once.

And yet they insist: “In this country, we don’t like people who succeed.”

4. Their dress sense becomes worrying

The change is usually gradual. First a little gilet. Then a jumper knotted over the shoulders. And finally, the boat shoes. At this stage, your cat is probably starting to use the word “elegance” far too seriously.

5. They recommend books “to open your eyes”

Your cat now has very firm intellectual reference points. They give you political books you never asked for, share podcasts about “success”, and seem convinced every economic problem can be solved with a TED Talk on entrepreneurship. Their favourite hobby? Arguing with strangers over dinner.

How do you manage a Tory cat?

Good news: a few rehabilitation methods still exist.

Temporarily cut their privileges

Strong convictions sometimes become more nuanced once the perks disappear. Try cutting back slightly on the premium treats, or swapping the organic salmon for something a bit more… accessible. You might see a spectacular shift in their economic thinking.

Apply their own free-market principles

Open the window. Invite the neighbourhood cats round to eat from their bowl, sleep in their basket and take over the litter tray. When they protest, calmly remind them this is simply the free market at work.

Limit the anxiety-inducing news channels

After hours of constant political coverage, your cat starts believing the whole country will collapse by Tuesday. Turn off the screens. Replace them with birds to watch, a patch of sunlight, and the blissful silence of feline ignorance.

Prevent overly hypocritical getaways

Your cat can hardly lecture people on the environment while flying off every other weekend “for authenticity”. The local campsite remains an excellent learning experience.

Conclusion: should you be worried?

Not necessarily. A Tory cat is, above all, still a cat: lazy, demanding and deeply attached to their comfort. But without a swift intervention, the symptoms could worsen. Today, they’re listening to podcasts about wealth creation. Tomorrow, they’ll be spending their days on LinkedIn with a bio that reads: “Founder. Thinker. Feline.” Right before raising funds to launch CatGPT, a revolutionary start-up designed to replace humans with more obedient assistants. And if you enjoy absurd diagnoses of the secret lives of cats — politics, love, identity, work or modern-day neuroses — the world of Is My Cat a Tory? and its sequels should be right up your street.