The 5 signs your dog is a socialist

1. They want to eat the rich before they eat their kibble

Your dog doesn’t bark anymore.

They agitate.

Every empty bowl becomes a speech about wealth redistribution, class struggle and the moral obscenity of billionaires existing while he has to wait eight extra minutes for salmon pâté.

2. They demand free universal vet care... on your tab

Your dog believes healthcare is a fundamental right.

They say this with enormous conviction every time you pay for yet another vaccine, check up, worming tablet or suspicious skin cream they absolutely needed after licking a radiator for two hours.

Solidarity, apparently, is beautiful when someone else pays the bill.

3. They think every problem in your life comes from capitalism

Back pain?

Capitalism.

Anxiety?

Capitalism.

Bad Wi-Fi?

Also capitalism.

At this point, if the toaster breaks, they’ll probably explain that planned obsolescence is just late stage neoliberalism targeting the working class.

4. Their anti-capitalist speeches come from a 1,600 iPhone

Your dog claims to despise consumerism, big tech and the machinery of global capital.

Which would be more convincing if they weren’t posting anti-system Instagram stories from a brand new iPhone with a Starbucks cup next to their paw.

Revolution, yes.

But ideally with good lighting and strong mobile data.

5. They believe in sharing, mostly your things

They gave away your furniture, your memorabilia and half your wardrobe to “the people.”

But somehow their toys, gourmet treats and orthopaedic dog bed remain outside the scope of redistribution.

Curious.

For a creature so committed to equality, they seem deeply attached to private property when it’s fluffy and monogrammed.

How to react to a socialist dog

Test their commitment to equality

Give their treats to the cat.

Watch how quickly they develop a nuanced theory about why some inequalities are actually necessary for social stability.

Explain how the economy works

Try walking them through tax, wages, inflation and the basic concept that money doesn’t spontaneously grow on trees.

They probably won’t understand any of it.

But they will accuse trees of hoarding resources on behalf of the ruling class.

Make them get a job

Nothing crushes abstract political certainty like a rota, fluorescent lighting and a manager called Steve asking why you’re six minutes late back from lunch.

One month in retail and they’ll either become a centrist or ideologically burn the shop down.

Conclusion

You tolerated the speeches.

You tolerated the posters.

You even tolerated the fact that they now refuse to chase squirrels because “predation is a tool of oppressive hierarchy.”

But then they announced plans to nationalise your barbecue.

And that, frankly, is where the revolution has to stop.

What to Do If My Dog Is Gay and its sequels introduce a whole gallery of equally unbearable dogs, regionalists, snobs, militants, conspiracy theorists and other domestic disasters with far too much confidence and far too much free time.