Your dog refuses non-consensual cuddles, boycotts squirrels in the name of social justice, and questions your vocabulary? It might be time to accept the obvious: your dog is woke. Discover the most telling signs and the best strategies for cohabiting with this four-legged activist. At this point, the diagnosis is hard to ignore: your dog is likely waging an ideological battle whose rules you don’t yet understand.

4 signs your dog has gone woke

Every dog has its little quirks. But some behaviours are more telling than others.

1. He takes issue with the word “master”

Your dog categorically refuses this title, which he considers a relic of an oppressive past. He prefers more neutral terms like “life companion”, “domestic partner” or “nourishing cohabitant”. He’s apparently even started a petition around the neighbourhood to abolish human-canine hierarchies.

2. He no longer chases squirrels

Gone is the natural predator. Your dog now gravely explains that he refuses to “take part in the systemic exclusion of invisibilised populations”. Result: the squirrel now lives peacefully in the garden tree and seems to have practically become his flatmate.

3. Cuddles now require official consent

Thought a little scratch behind the ear was innocent? Big mistake. Your dog now demands:

• a prior request,
• a clear verbal agreement,
• and sometimes even a symbolic signature on a charter of mutual respect.

Any attempt at a surprise stroke can result in an extremely uncomfortable, accusatory stare.

4. He thanks the lawn after every visit

Yes, this sounds absurd. And yet. After every poo, he takes a few seconds of silence to express his gratitude towards “this safe space that welcomes his vulnerability”. You’ve tried ignoring it, but he now insists the whole household take part in this ritual.

How to manage a woke dog day to day

Don’t panic: living with a politically engaged dog is still possible. You’ll just need to adjust your lifestyle slightly.

Create a debate-free zone

Set up a neutral room. No Wi-Fi, no social media, no opinion pieces. Just a basket, a bowl of water and silence. Lots of silence.

Encourage his calmer moments

When your dog manages to watch a programme without mentally drafting an outraged thread, praise the effort. A simple “Well done, you haven’t called anyone out today” can work wonders.

Let him speak his mind… with no consequences

Plug in a microphone that isn’t connected to anything and let him bark his grievances for an hour. He’ll feel like he’s been heard, and you’ll finally get to enjoy your cup of tea in peace.

Reconcile activism with canine instincts

Being engaged doesn’t mean giving up your passions. A dog can perfectly well champion equality while chasing a squirrel, provided, of course, that he organises an emotional debrief afterwards to process the guilt.

Conclusion: should you be worried?

Let’s be honest: a woke dog isn’t necessarily a bad dog. He’s simply… very engaged. Sure, he might soon try to ban the word “doggo” on the grounds that it perpetuates problematic stereotypes. He might even one day brand you a “privileged human in a position of dominance”. But behind this hairy revolutionary still lies the same affectionate companion, sensitive… and slightly dramatic. And if you’d like to discover other absurd moments of canine life, from existential crises and sexuality to work, the internet or mental health, it might be time to dive into the world of What To Do If My Dog Is Gay? and its sequels.