Your dog turns his nose up at anything outside Zone 2, refuses “mass-produced” kibble and seems convinced that living more than 20 minutes from a concept store is a human tragedy? Bad news: your dog might be a genuine pretentious Notting Hill tosser. How do you spot this very particular syndrome in a dog raised in Zone 1? And more importantly, is there still hope of rehabilitation? An analysis of an increasingly common affliction.

6 signs your dog is a proper insufferable Londoner

All dogs are a little snobbish. But some reach a worrying level of expertise.

1. He sleeps under a portrait of Sadiq Khan

You thought it was ironic. It isn’t. Every night, your dog drifts off peacefully beneath a framed photo of the Mayor of London, wearing the satisfied look of someone convinced cycle lanes will save humanity. He even applauds quietly whenever a car lane disappears.

2. He gives impossibly posh names to his puppies

No Rex, Rover or Buster for him. His pups are called Tarquin, Sebastian and Araminta, occasionally with a hyphenated name nobody can quite pronounce. He also insists on mentioning they attend a “bilingual Montessori nursery”.

3. He buys his kibble from an artisan wholefoods shop

Supermarket kibble is out of the question. Your dog prefers a tiny, exclusive shop where the bags cost roughly a kidney on the black market and the kibble is gluten-free, locally sourced, ethically produced and emotionally balanced. He silently judges you whenever you buy a well-known brand.

4. He’ll only eat on a terrace

Dinner indoors? Not for him. Your dog demands a heated terrace, a spot of ambient jazz and a glass of rosé next to his bowl. He’s also developed a strange passion for watching passers-by with an air of profound disappointment.

5. He has a Santander Cycles membership… that he hates

Your dog fiercely champions urban cycling. However, he considers the Santander Cycles scheme to have been “an absolute shambles for years” and always finds something to moan about. He loves the concept, much less the execution.

6. He thinks anyone beyond the M25 lives in another century

According to him, beyond the M25, the locals:

• don’t have the internet,
• only eat pork pies,
• drive 45 minutes to buy bread,
• and consider a trip to Harvester a cultural outing.

You can try to reason with him all you like, he still calls everyone “people from up north”.

How to re-educate a Londoner dog

Don’t worry: a few experimental methods still exist.

Start an intensive music therapy programme

Blast “Sweet Caroline” at full volume. At first, your dog will protest with contempt. Then, one weak evening, you might catch him wagging his tail during the chorus. That will be the first sign of hope.

Take him to an out-of-town retail park

Head for a big shopping estate on the ring road. The goal: help him understand you can find cheese, socks and a barbecue in the same place, without an existential crisis. The experience is rough, but often effective.

Ban certain words

A linguistic detox can help. For a month, your dog is no longer allowed to say:

• rooftop,
• concept store,
• co-working,
• premium vintage,
• or immersive experience.

The first few days are hard, but the withdrawal does work.

Trigger a controlled culture shock

Put him in a “Kiss Me Quick” bucket hat, socks with sandals, and take him to watch a game of crown green bowls. After a few hours, he might start saying “ey up” without a hint of irony.

Conclusion: can a Londoner dog be saved?

Yes… but you have to act fast. The final stage would be particularly worrying: the one where he explains he wants “a little bolthole in the Cotswolds to escape the toxic energy of London”, all while still paying £17 for an avocado toast. But don’t lose hope: behind every pretentious Notting Hill tosser hides a fragile little dog who, deep down, loves an Amazon box just as much as the rest of us. And to discover even more absurd diagnoses of modern canine psychology, dive into the world of What To Do If My Dog Is Gay? and its sequels.