Your cat looks down on the provinces, refuses “mass-produced” kibble and seems convinced that living more than 20 minutes from a concept store is a human tragedy? Bad news: your feline may well be a genuine smug Islington type.
How do you spot this very particular syndrome in a cat raised inside Zone 2? And, more importantly, is there still hope of rehabilitation? An analysis of an increasingly common affliction.
6 signs your cat is a truly insufferable Londoner
All cats are a bit snobbish. But some reach a worrying level of expertise.1. They sleep under a portrait of Sadiq Khan
You thought it was ironic. It isn’t. Every night, your cat drifts off peacefully beneath a framed photo of the Mayor of London, wearing the satisfied look of a creature convinced cycle lanes will save humanity. They even quietly applaud whenever a car lane disappears.2. They give their kittens impossibly posh names
No Whiskers, Tiger or Biscuit in this house. Their kittens are called Tarquin, Sebastian and Arabella, sometimes with a double-barrelled name nobody can pronounce properly. They also insist on mentioning that the kittens attend an “alternative bilingual Montessori nursery”.3. They buy their kibble from a boutique wholefood shop in Primrose Hill
Supermarket kibble is simply out of the question. Your cat prefers a tiny, exclusive shop where the pouches cost about as much as a kidney on the black market, and where the kibble is gluten-free, locally sourced, ethical and emotionally balanced. They silently judge you whenever you buy a well-known brand.4. They’ll only eat on a terrace
Wet food indoors? Not for them. Your cat demands a heated terrace, a little jazz playing in the background and a glass of rosé next to their bowl. They’ve also developed a strange passion for watching passers-by with an air of deep disappointment.5. They have a Santander Cycles membership… which they hate
Your cat is a fierce defender of urban cycling. That said, they consider the bikes to have been “a disgrace for years” and can always find a reason to moan. They love the concept, far less the execution.6. They think everyone north of the M25 lives in another century
According to them, beyond the M25, the locals:- don’t have the internet,
- eat nothing but pork pies,
- drive 45 minutes to buy a loaf of bread,
- and consider a trip to Harvester a cultural outing.
How do you rehabilitate a smug Londoner cat?
Don’t worry: a few experimental methods still exist.Start an intensive musical therapy programme
Play Come On Eileen at full volume. At first, your cat will protest with contempt. Then, one weak evening, you might catch them wagging their tail during the chorus. That will be the first sign of hope.Introduce them to an out-of-town superstore
Head for a big Tesco superstore on the edge of town. The aim: to make them understand that you can find cheese, socks and a barbecue all in the same place, with no existential meltdown required. The experience is brutal, but often effective.Ban certain words
A language detox can help. For one month, your cat is no longer allowed to say:- rooftop,
- concept store,
- co-working,
- premium vintage,
- or immersive experience.