You’re looking for a gift for someone who loves dogs. Not just “quite likes” them, mind: we’re talking about someone who calls their pet “my son”, wishes them a happy birthday on Instagram, and already owns more photos of a ball of fur than of their own family members. Basically, someone potentially beyond saving.

Buying a gift for this kind of person is tricky. Get it wrong, and you risk falling into the hell of the “Dog Mum” mug or the paw print embroidered socks, which is to say, the laziest corner of decorative capitalism. You need to aim precisely: something funny, a bit absurd, and that genuinely speaks to the mild mental illness that is excessive love for dogs.

Here are 5 gift ideas for dog fans that genuinely deserve consideration.

1. A funny book about dogs that doesn’t treat people like idiots

Let’s start with the obvious: if the person you’re buying for lives with a dog and has already started projecting political opinions, neuroses or a sexual orientation onto him, it’s time to stop fighting the problem and go along with it.

This is exactly why What to Do If My Dog Is Gay? exists: a survival guide for anyone who suspects their dog might be woke, racist, a Notting Hill type, promiscuous or a K-pop fan. The idea is simple: take the absurd reflex every dog owner has (projecting absolutely anything onto their pet) and push it to catastrophic extremes.

It’s a great gift for:

• the person who calls their dog “Baby” with a completely straight face;
• the friend who’s already told you “I swear, he manipulates me” about their German Shepherd;
• or anyone who considers living with a dog to be cohabiting with an unstable furry housemate.

And, best of all, it’s a nice change from the sweet little book about “the secrets of our canine companions”, which always ends up explaining that Rex loves his basket because it makes him feel safe. Cheers for that.

2. A personalised portrait of their dog

Turning an obese, passive aggressive dog into Napoleon, the Pope or a British admiral remains a safe bet. It’s pretentious, wildly disproportionate and usually pretty hideous.

But ask yourself: what will your loved one actually do once the painting’s hanging on the wall?

Look at it.

Every day.

For twenty years.

Whereas a book like What to Do If My Dog Is Gay? will give them a genuine, detailed and thoroughly convincing portrait of an animal who’s probably an anarchist, a Notting Hill type, or hooked on self improvement. Honestly, between a poster gathering dust and a guide accusing a dog of being a communist, the choice makes itself.

3. A personality analysis of their dog

Some companies offer to decode your dog’s personality.

They ask for his age, breed, habits, sometimes even his star sign, before informing you that he’s “curious but independent”, “territorial” or “emotionally complex”.

In other words, you pay 40 for a stranger to tell you that your dog... is a dog.

At that price, you might as well get them What to Do If My Dog Is Gay?.

At least this one doesn’t pretend to be scientific: it will very seriously explain that your dog is probably Texan, vegan or a K-pop fan. And, paradoxically, that sometimes feels more believable.

4. A dog themed mug

A mug can work.

As long as it’s stupid enough.

Not a “Dog Mum”.

Not a “Home is where my dog is”.

That’s the gift aisle of a garden centre on a Sunday afternoon.

You need something that fully embraces the madness.

For example:

I go to work to pay for the kibble of an animal who loves me a little too much.

Or you skip the washing up entirely and go straight for What to Do If My Dog Is Gay?, which contains exactly the same level of despair, just spread across 180 pages.

5. A dog themed board game

This can be a good idea, on one condition: it lasts under twenty minutes.

Because after twenty minutes, everyone naturally prefers to talk about their own dog.

And that’s exactly where your gift becomes useful.

After a couple of rounds, someone’s bound to say:

“Mine does exactly that.”

You can then whip out What to Do If My Dog Is Gay? as though it were an actual veterinary manual.

“Oh no, that’s clearly a Berlin dog.”

The evening is saved.

Conclusion

At the end of the day, it doesn’t much matter what you choose. A portrait, a mug, a board game or an embroidered cushion will all end up in the same place: next to the dog, who’ll ignore them completely.

But if you give What to Do If My Dog Is Gay?, there’s a good chance your loved one will immediately start comparing their dog to the 100 profiles in the book. For a few hours, they might even forget to show you the 437 photos of their pet taken that week.

It’s probably the nicest gift you could give the people around them.