Your dog spends her days complaining, regularly threatens to speak to the manager, and considers the slightest inconvenience a serious breach of her fundamental rights? You might be dealing with an advanced case of canine Karen syndrome. Before she launches a petition against birdsong or demands the postman be sacked, here are the signs that should worry you.

5 signs your dog is a true Karen

All female dogs have their demands. But some turn every day into a customer service complaint.

1. Her appearance has changed worryingly

Since her last trip to the groomer's, your dog sports a perfectly geometric haircut and seems permanently ready to file a complaint. Nobody dares say it out loud. But the whole street is thinking exactly the same thing.

2. She films every single disagreement

The slightest dispute becomes a media event. An employee refuses her a discount? Phone out. A treat arrives thirty seconds late? Phone out. She usually pairs her videos with a line like: “Everyone needs to see this.” Nobody really understands why.

3. She keeps constant watch over the neighbourhood

Your dog knows:

• everyone's schedule on the street,
• the number plates of every visitor,
• the postman's routine,
• and probably the pizza delivery driver's middle name.

She spends more time spying on others than sleeping, which is, frankly, against canine nature.

4. Young people worry her far too much

According to her, all teenagers are:

• badly behaved,
• addicted to screens,
• members of some mysterious organisation,
• or responsible for the decline of civilisation.

She has no evidence whatsoever. But that never stops her having a very strong opinion.

5. She's become famous against her will

Recently, your dog barked at a group of children quietly playing in the park. Somebody filmed it. A few hours later, the video was everywhere. Your dog insists she is the victim of an organised smear campaign. Which does nothing for her image.

How to survive a Karen dog

Don't worry: there are still a few ways to protect your sanity.

Appoint an official manager

Pick any old cushion. Present it as the household's supreme authority. The moment a complaint arises, redirect it to this new point of contact. The cushion will never reply, but it'll handle conflict remarkably well.

Channel her energy online

Set her up with a social media account. She can post:

• her daily outrage,
• her doom laden takes,
• her theories on today's youth,
• and her complaints about birdsong.

The rest of the internet will take it from there.

Avoid pointless confrontations

Logic generally stops working at this stage. If your dog is convinced a child on a scooter poses a national threat, it's best to change the subject. Or show her a video of puppies.

Distract her with something else

Try redirecting her attention with:

• a chew toy,
• a patch of sunshine,
• a treat,
• or a bird to watch.

Even the most determined Karens remain susceptible to canine distractions.

Conclusion: is the neighbourhood still safe?

For months now, nobody nearby has dared to live a normal life. The neighbour mows his lawn? Suspicious. A family has a picnic? Very suspicious. A teenager owns a skateboard? Clearly, extremely suspicious. As for the police, they now instantly recognise her number and seem to have developed a technique of letting it ring out until she gives up. Still, don't lose hope. Beneath this mountain of complaints, judgements and threats to speak to the manager, there's still a dog like any other: affectionate in her own way, attached to her territory, and deeply convinced the world would run far more smoothly if everyone did exactly as she said. And if you enjoy absurd portraits of dogs with impossible personalities, What To Do If My Dog Is Gay? and its sequels deserve pride of place on your bookshelf.